Sometimes, I think that the Church ought to wait until people are older before they’re seen as “adults.” Being confirmed at the age of 13, I know that I had no idea what the Church was all about. I’m still not 100% clear on it (nor do I think I ever will be). And I feel like I have a lot of making-up to do. I feel like I should go through RCIA because I just know so little about my own religion. I try…. I really do. I attend Bible Study, I see a Spiritual Director, I read the Bible, I pray, I attend Mass on Sundays (and during the week when possible…which hasn’t been lately), and I participate in Koinonia retreats. And yet, I still feel like I don’t know what the Catholic Church–and religion in general, for that matter–is all about.
I guess this is all coming about because I was perusing Facebook a minute ago, looking at a friend’s profile. He came into the Catholic Church 2 years ago, and, I’ll be honest, I’m a little envious of the love he has for his religion. I wish I could feel that way about it! I wish I could be that on fire for what I believe. And maybe part of the reason I’m not is because that’s just not my personality, but I think it’s also because I just don’t know about it.
I’m kind of at the end of my rope here. I don’t know how else to go about learning, and it’s getting kind of discouraging to not understand, and I can feel my faith starting to slip. Now is not the time to feel discouraged. It’s the Easter season. He is risen! Alleluia! I should be happy! But it just didn’t happen for me this year. This is the second year in a row that I haven’t really had an Easter (personally speaking). *sigh* I just don’t know anymore.